Saturday, September 30, 2006

Always and Forever

Mr. SierraBella 1950 - 2006

My husband of 14 years passed away last Saturday.
It was unexpected.

Now that family has returned home after spending time here, I'm finally allowed to grieve. I really needed some 'alone time.'

I was with my husband as he passed, and the last words I whispered to him were "meet me back at home." Well, he hasn't 'showed up' yet.

My grandson PJ asked me if his "PapaDon" is chasing "hotties" in heaven. I hope so. After all, it is heaven, is it not?

I've been listening to an old song today that breaks me up. I need to cry now that everyone has gone home. Most of you are probably too young to know the song, but here are some of the lyrics...

All day long, wearing a mask of false bravado
Trying to keep up the smile that hides a tear
But as the sun goes down, I get that empty feeling again
How I wish to God that you were here


Baby Come Back, by Player


I'm leaving comments open, although I don't know whether I'll be dropping in much.

Oh, and remember to say "I love you" to someone every day. I did.

75 Comments:

Blogger Kat said...

I cannot even imagine what you are going through. Just know I'm thinking of you and if we were face to face I'd give you a big ol' hug.

7:05 AM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Thank you Kat.
I would accept that big ol' hug too!

7:57 AM  
Blogger Rae Ann said...

Oh, dear God, I'm so sorry! If you ever want to take a trip to Tennessee for that hug from Kat, I'll be here too- just across town. I remember that song too and I will post it on my lyrics blog for you. My deepest sympathy to you and yours.

9:59 AM  
Blogger SoozieQ said...

Stunned. Completely stunned. I do not even know what to say! I know I don't really know you (even though I feel like I do) but I am crying and my jaw is literally on the desk. He's the same age as the Hubs. THE SAME AGE! I wish you still lived in Fremont so I could drive over and meet you in person.

You say it was unexpected? I have so many questions (which I know are insanely inappropriate).

I'm so sorry. I'm so SO sorry for your family's loss.

Seriously, do you need anything? You're not that far away. I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say or do!

11:18 AM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Hi Rae Ann.
If I didn't have so many pets, I might just become a gypsy.
If I ever do, I'll be sure to come through Tennessee and get my hugs!
I'm glad you know the song, and thanks for posting on your lyrics blog!

Hey SoozieQ-
I may post more about this later, but feel free to email me if you still have my address.
I can tell everybody that this wasn't due to that mountain lion.
I'm doing ok. Sort of bouncing between phone calls, sorting through paperwork, cleaning house (now that my visitors are gone) and chipping wood. I also 'larned' to use the chain saw the other day!

11:50 AM  
Blogger trinitystar said...

Sierrabella you have touched all our hearts with your sudden sadness. It is the Spirit of Love within us all that can feel your pain. You have this great bond of love with your husband which will never leave. Love is infinite. He is very close to you Sierrabella ... in your Heart.
I send you a warm hug.

3:42 PM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Welcome Trinitystar.
Thank you for the warm words and the warm hug as well!

4:15 PM  
Blogger Mahala said...

You're in my prayers.. I can't imagine

7:56 PM  
Blogger Susie said...

Oh, honey. Dear God. When I saw the comment at my place, I wondered, a dear aunt . . a cousin. It didn't even cross my mind it could be Mr. Sierrabella! I am so deeply sorry. I cannot imagine the shock, the fog, the pain. Oh, my heart hurts so for you. If writing helps at all, when you can, do post more. And I'm only an email away.
Sending love, hugs and prayer.

7:59 AM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Mahala-
Thanks.

Susie-
Sometimes writing helps, and sometimes I just want to go take a nap (to shut down for a while.)
I'm just allowing myself to go with the flow for now.
Thank you for the love, hugs and prayer.

8:51 AM  
Blogger Nina said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry . . . love, hugs, and prayers are being sent from my heart to yours.

9:39 AM  
Blogger Greenthumb said...

My dear friend, know that tears are being shed for you too. I'm so, so, sorry.

it makes my head reel a bit, I'm all to familiar with the sudden loss event. Please know that you are thought of here.

You can reach me anytime.

greenthumb@nwlink.com

10:22 AM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Thank you Nina.

I've tried visiting people's blogs, and find I don't have too much to say right now... rare for me to say the least.

Hi Greenie, I'm glad you happened by. I'm thinking your sister Susie might have emailed you?
Thanks for your email address, I just may use it!

10:37 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

God Sierra B -- I don't know what to say. I'm so proud of you for giving yourself opportunity to let whatever flows forth do so, and for loving him openly while he was here, and for reminding us to do the same. But sudden loss is so incredibly abrupt, I know from losing my dad, and I wish I could hold your head while you cry. I did alot of that and was blessed to have many people willing to hold my head gently in their laps or on their shoulders. Please be gentle to yourself as you move through this. And I've got open arms up here in the Pacific Northwest if you're inclined to hit the open road for awhile. Sending you love and strength and peace.
~Shari

1:14 PM  
Blogger Squirl said...

Oh, honey, I've been here wallowing in my own grief. And yours is so much worse.

You take all the alone time that you need. Grieving and crying are so important.

I can't say enough how sorry I am for you. I hope you'll be okay. We'll be thinking about you.

I love you, sweetie! Lots of blog hugs coming your way.

1:48 PM  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Please allow yourself all the shutdown time you need. There's no way to process what you've been through so quickly.

Lots of love and hugs to you and the rest of your family. We're thinking of you up here.

1:52 PM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Eclectic, hi.
I lost both parents the year Mr. SB and I got married. They passed away within 3 months of each other, at the age of 59.
This, though, is hitting me even harder.
My youngest daughter just moved up to Oregon. When I go to visit, I should drive a bit further north and come up and get a hug!

Hi Squirl.
I can't believe you and Bucky took the time to come by in your own moment of grief!
Don't make me drive to Michigan (to your new house) and get that hug you offered!!!

Thanks Bucky.
Love and hugs right back 'atcha.'

I think most, if not all of you know Squirl & Bucky. They just lost their mother (yesterday or possibly the day before.)
What a wonderful place this BlogWorld is, that others will drop by in their own moment of grief to comfort another.
I love you all!

3:06 PM  
Blogger Susie said...

Just stopping in to sit a few minutes with you. Been thinking of you all day. Everyone here truly cares, and hurts for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you can think of anything at all we can do to help. Sending you lots of love.

6:08 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Just checking back. You've been on my mind all day -- I can't shake the feeling. I don't really want to. Maybe if I'm feeling some of it, you could be spared even a fraction of its weight. Please let us help if we can. You are loved, and you have been missed by the blogosphere. We are only too eager to shoulder up and help you pull the load, in whatever way we can. Here's another hug, and fresh-baked banana bread. I can't help it, my family always provides food at times like this.

7:28 PM  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

I tried to comment earlier and blogger was being tricky for me, I just wanted to come pass along my hugs and love to you too. I believe in the whole "big picture we cant always see just yet" concept, but times like these it sure would be nice to fast forward that picture and skip to the part where things finally make sense.

Much love and peace and good thoughts to you in this time of sadness.

11:22 PM  
Blogger LadyBug said...

I came over via Susie's post. I am so very sorry for your loss. I'll keep you in my prayers.

8:49 AM  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Sweetheart, I'm so very very very sorry to read this. You've been on my mind recently, but it took Susie's post to send me over here.

I know that song...

Please, please, please let me know if there is something I can do to help in any way.

Love you,

Kelli

8:53 AM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Oh Susie!
I just saw your newest posting and will be back over to comment in a minute.
Very kind of you, but then that's what you're all about!
Today is the first day I actually slept in... till 8:15 am. I'm still a little groggy, but wanted to jump in right away!
Thanks for coming by to sit with me, and for sending some of your most wonderful commenters over this way!

Hi again Eclectic!
OMG, I love fresh baked banana bread!!
Love your offer to help shoulder the weight. I'm finding that the slow progress of time seems to work it's magic too.

Jess?!?
My goodness, aren't you busy enough taking care of business at your own house?
How wonderful of you to stop by and lend some kind words.
I was just thinking about you last night... because Halloween is coming! Be sure to drag Bucky into whatever craziness you have planned for your favorite holiday!

Hi Ladybug!
When I saw that you and C.K. had commented, I just knew Susie had blogged this.
We all know that Susie has only the best readers!
Thank you for coming by.

Circus Kelli, hi!
You're so sweet.
I'm glad you know the song. I found the "Player" version on YouTube, but was afraid to try and link it and maybe screw up the whole posting!
I'm doing better each day, although I'm measuring progress in shades rather than tangible markings.

9:44 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

Very, very sorry for your loss, Sierrabella.

Big ol' hugger to you. Hang in there, eh.

10:20 AM  
Blogger Homestead said...

Hey, just wanted you to know I'm here. Wish I had something inspiring and comforting to say but all I've got is knowing I'm here.

10:24 AM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Hi Amy, nice to see you again!
I'll accept that hug, and hug you back!!
Thanks for stopping by.

Homestead!
Although I haven't been commenting, I've been dropping by from time to time to see your beautiful new baby, and that gorgeous little boy of yours.
Your being here is a comfort to me!
Thanks for coming by.

11:56 AM  
Blogger samuru999 said...

Oh how very sorry I am to hear this sad news
I pray you have strength and courage to go on....and may your husband's memory always be
a true blessing!

Margie

12:27 PM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Welcome Samuru999 and thank you for your kind words!

2:09 PM  
Blogger Platypus said...

Oh Sierrabella, this is awful. I'm crying for you and sending my love. You are obviously strong and you will come through this but for now it's right that you grieve and remember and adjust. Sometimes life's just not fair.

Virtual hugs and all the good thoughts I can send your way.

xx

2:36 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Just stopped by to sit for a minute. I know you need some alone time, so I'll only stay a minute. And I'll be back later. I'm thinking of you each day.

9:31 PM  
Blogger Traci said...

Hello. I came over from Susie's. I'm sorry for your loss. I like the picture of your husband though! He looks fun. : ) Be good to yourself during this difficult time.

6:33 AM  
Blogger Susie said...

Thinking of you a lot, praying for you and hugging you in my heart. I've misplaced your email address. If you ever want to vent, or anything else, whatwasit@comcast.net

8:24 AM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Welcome Platypus and thank you for dropping by!
I agree life isn't fair, but then again there were no promises, huh?

Hi again Eclectic.
Glad you dropped in to visit with me. Feel free to come by anytime you like, you're always welcome!

Hello Traci, it's nice to meet you!
The picture of my husband was taken while we were camping. We both loved camping so much that we decided to buy this house in the woods. He truly was a lot of fun.

Hi again Susie-
Thanks (once again.) I still have your email address. In fact not too long ago, I sent you a video of some of our U.S. forces singing "Kosovo," which was a parody of "Kokomo." I'd bet you get so many daily emails that you might have missed it.
Thanks again for your concern and prayers!

9:28 AM  
Blogger Nilbo said...

Ah, sierrabella ... I'm very sorry for your loss. We're an interconnected comunity - circles within circles ... and pain has a way of causing ripples. So your pain, or Bucky and Squirl's ... or Susie's battle with WTF Disease ... are felt by all of us. And in some way, I hope that knowing others - people you don't even know - care for you and share just a little of your pain, will help in what will be a long road back. May you never feel alone on that road ... because you never will be.

10:21 AM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Ahhhh, Nilbo!
As Susie once said (on the occasion of Rosie O'Donnell commenting on her site) "I'll never wash my blog again!"
Quite true about the ripple effect.
Thank you sooooo much for stopping by.

11:10 AM  
Blogger trinitystar said...

Dropping in to see you Sierrabella. To assure that there are people watching over you and there those here too, supporting you. Hugs for you.

3:02 PM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Hi again Trinitystar!
I've been catching up on blogging most of today, while waiting for an important phone call.
There's nothing I hate more than phone-tag...
My dogs think I'm crazy, due to all the laughing I've been doing!

4:09 PM  
Anonymous Doug said...

You are not alone, just among folks a tad apart from you. I sit silently at your side, sort of like a Gentile form of "Sitting Shiva"

The empty spot will be there, just that you will be able to walk around it, saying a blessing and passing through to your daily life.

Hugs

5:08 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Hi SierraB! I came back with a blonde joke, because it made me laugh like a hyena when I heard it and I thought you might like a giggle.

So, the blonde is sitting at her kitchen table, really concentrating on one of those wildlife jigsaw puzzles when her boyfriend calls and asks what she's doing. When she tells him he's surprised and pleased, so he asks about it, and she relates that it's going to be a tiger when she's finished, according to the picture on the box. He offers to help, and arrives shortly to find her brow furrowed. "Where's the puzzle?" he asks. "Right here! Can't you see I'm working on it? I TOLD you it was super hard." The boyfriend sighed. Gently, he held her hand as he told her, "Sweetie, no matter how hard we work, these pieces are never going to look like a tiger." And then he said, "C'mon, help me put the frosted flakes back into the box."

11:28 PM  
Blogger trinitystar said...

http://iwasbornthisway-allison.blogspot.com/

Sierrabella. Keep coming back to your blog. You have your garden of memories to tend to.

I have left you this blog address a fellow blogger and anyone who wishes to read it will be very touched by this young lady.
Im sure everyone that keeps coming would like to lean forward and hug you. hugs4u.

3:33 AM  
Blogger Traci said...

Just stopped by this morning to check on you. I hope this is a good day for you.

6:27 AM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Welcome Doug!
Thank you for the lovely thoughts.
It's comforting to think of friends sitting beside me silently, especially new ones.

Hey Eclectic, how did you know I love blonde jokes?
Here's an old one:
What's blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde...?
A nekkid blonde doing cartwheels!
Get it???

Trinitystar-
I'll have to pop in for a look-see when I wake up a bit more.
Woke up to the first real rain of the season, and I intend to enjoy.

Hi again Traci!
I'm thinking today will be good.
No appointments, no specific chores. I'll be able to putter about, something I'm most excellent at!

7:18 AM  
Blogger samuru999 said...

The loss of someone dear
is poignant as can be
and all that I can offer you
is friendly sympathy.

But, my condolences really come
directly from the heart
because I know how sad it is
when loved ones have to part.

I know you will be sad n lonely
as the days n nights go by
and there will be
a thousand tears
that you will need to cry.

And, so I grieve
with you today
and say a fervent prayer
that God will bless
and always keep your loved one
in His deepest care!

Blessings to you!
Margie

8:57 AM  
Blogger Susie said...

OK, got a blonde joke for you. Don't remember where I heard it, it's probably old:

How do you know when a blonde has been using your computer?

You can tell by all the Wite-Out on the screen!bywoyc

3:32 PM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Samuru999-
Hi again, and thank you for the lovely poem.

Susie???
Blonde jokes, from you???
(It was a good one. I'll check with my naturally blonde sister and see if that's what she does!)

I have more, but I'm too tired right now to think... been cleaning the house. ick!

4:08 PM  
Blogger Big Mama said...

I'm sorry. Soozieq directed me here. Just know that we are here for you, if not physically, we are here spiritually. Please take care of yourself and comfort yourself with the thoughts of him "chasing hotties" in Heaven.

6:47 PM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Welcome Big Mama and thanks for dropping by!
Several days after his "chasing hotties" remark, my grandson asked if we could email his PapaDon in heaven.
I guess heaven means different things to different people!

7:04 PM  
Blogger cheesecakey said...

oh sierrabella.....big hugs from down south. when I saw your comment that you hadn't been posting, I never would have imagined this would be the reason. I am so sorry and will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

9:09 AM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Hi Cheesecakey!
I'm still accepting hugs, thanks.
(I didn't want to put a comment on your blog, like "guess what...?")

9:27 AM  
Blogger Susie said...

Good morning :) Well, it's actually afternoon here, but I'm wearing a robe and sipping coffee, so I'm calling it morning. Just thinking of you and wanted to check in. I hope your weekend goes well. Just thinking of what a blessing your grandson is. Little ones can give us something to smile about even if smiling seems the most unlikely thing to do. I don't know what you did with the email request, but it might be a good thing for the little guy to dictate his letters to PapaDon, and just send them off to an email box. You or he might want them some day. Or not. Just thinking "outloud." Sending lots of love.

9:25 AM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Good morning/afternoon Susie!
Great idea about saving those dictated emails.
PJ just moved up to Oregon, but I'll suggest it to him mom.
Sending love back 'atcha!'

9:39 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

PJ's in Oregon now?! Oh Sierra... you are SOOO gonna have to move to the Northwest now, it's just a matter of time!!

***starts plotting***

7:05 PM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Hi Eclectic!
So then I'd have to change my name to Cascadesabella?
You never know!

6:13 AM  
Blogger judypatooote said...

I came over from Susies blog, and want to tell you I'm sad for your loss. My husband has been gone 12 years this month.....and it is very hard getting through that first year with out them. Always a first...first Christmas, first New Year etc....

Sending you my sympathy and a hug!

8:27 AM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Well hi Judypatooote!
I've heard this too.
Done a few 'firsts' already, and in some ways it's good to get them out of the way.
My husband wasn't a holiday person and let me handle that kind of thing, but I will miss his presence during these times.
Thanks so much for stopping by!

9:05 AM  
Blogger Squirl said...

You are so sweet and wonderful, to stop at my blog and offer condolences when you're going through this pain.

I love you very much. I hope you're keeping body and soul together these days. Warm thoughts and prayers for you.

6:23 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

No, no, no Silly.... you'd still be SierraBella in the Cascades.

***resumes plotting***

9:49 PM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Hi Squirl!
Sweet and wonderful aren't adjectives ever applied to me before!!! (I'll accept those kind words, though.)
I love you too. Warm thoughts and hugs right back at you!

Eclectic,
SierraBella in the Cascades sounds just wonderful!
It sounds like a great title for a pre-teen girl's novel. Hmmmmmm...

10:15 AM  
Blogger Traci said...

10-11-06

I just stopped by to check on you tonight and say 'hi'.

7:25 PM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Well hi again Traci!
I'm doing fine, thanks for checking in on me.

10:17 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Stopped by to see if you have any coffee for Nina! *hee hee*

Oh, today's Thursday, 10.12.06. That Traci and her good ideas -- I like to copy 'em.

4:15 PM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Actually, Eclectic, I have a nice strong pot of coffee perking right now!
You're all welcome to come by.
Too bad you didn't come over yesterday... I was washing windows!
I sure would have welcomed the interruption.

8:52 AM  
Blogger cheesecakey said...

thinking about you, thought I'd check in and say 'hi'...so hi!

2:09 PM  
Blogger Susie said...

You like chocolate? Got some to share with you, here. I hope you have had a good weekend, a good visit. Hugs to you.

3:38 PM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Hi Cheesecakey, I see you made it back from Vegas in one piece?!!

Susie-
Had a great weekend, thanks!
I'm not a huge chocolate fan, but once in a while... well who can't resist!
Thank you for sharing.

9:36 AM  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

I heard about your loss via Susie - - so sorry.

9:59 AM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Hi, and welcome Annejelynn-
Thanks for coming over. I truly appreciate your kind words.

1:32 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

Oh my gosh! I am so sorry for your loss. I know of all the people that I could lose in my life, my husband would be the most devastating for me; so I hope that you are doing well.
Your post was lovely and brought me to tears. Lots of hugs and love from a soggy Sylvana.

8:14 PM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Hi Sylvana, sorry to make you soggy!
I lost both my parents in 1992, but this is far worse in many ways.
I'm doing ok, probably because I'm keeping busy.
Thanks for dropping by!

8:53 AM  
Blogger Squirl said...

Hi, hon. I hope you're doing okay.

2:54 PM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Hey Squirl, how are you doing is a better question! You've sure been through the wringer lately!!!
I'm sore today. Began a home improvement project which I should blog about. I'm doing good otherwise!

9:56 AM  
Blogger Squirl said...

I just realized I didn't comment on your most recent commentable post. Thanks for catching this one!

Sweetie, I feel sad. I just had to let go of some people I really loved. But you just lost your husbeand, some would say soul-mate. I hope you are doing okay. I told Ichabod that I've been through enough, but I'm not ready for that one.

I think about you a lot. Just keep on keepin' on, hon! We're all behind you. :)

5:38 PM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Hi again Squirl!
Almost didn't catch your comment, except I was doing some research and found that Player did the song mentioned in this posting, and not Hall and Oates! Well I just had to go back and fix it now, didn't I?
You're such a sweetheart to come visit me! Thanks.

6:05 PM  
Blogger dredom man said...

My condolences for your loss. I trust you will come through this and continue to see life's beauty.

9:06 AM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Thank you, Dredom Man.

1:42 PM  

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